This is my life of things I say when ever an idea or an opinion pops into my head. I am pretty sure most people agree on these comments.

So the Insanity Starts here.

Always throw out your trash in a garbage bag. It makes the homeless feel like its x-mas everyday when they open it for the surprise inside.

Like a proton pack, NEVER cross streams when your taking a piss next to another dude. Bad things will happen.

Two Wrongs dont make a right. Example: DIET PEPSI.

Wind chimes has got to be the most worthless things in the world. People only tolerate it when they can't hear it.

NiggaMortis (adj): A symptom commonly found in Asian people that causes them to freeze up when a person of color comes within their vicinity.

Proctologists are good analysts.

Anytime you say "hammertime", "collaborate and listen", or "in the name of love" after the word STOP, an angel gets it's wings.

There are plenty of fish in the sea but lately, there's been an oil spill.

Bless the person who milked the cow first instead of the bull for drinkable white liquid chock full of protein.

Dont get offended when someone calls God a bitch. Only 2 things in this world give u unconditional love. A mom and a Dog. God = mommy dog.

Immortality has its perks. Like the smug satisfaction of knowing that NOBODY will ever beat your G. Book record for the oldest living being

If your going to be lazy, go all out. Dont trim your nose hairs, just grow a mustache.

As manly as competitive hotdog eating sounds, its not a popular sport because no guy wants to learn the method for sucking down 60 weiners.

Evolution is just another way of saying "Everybody loves meat".

Protest a Contest.

Kill all the animals that you hate to the point of extinction. This way, when reincarnation kicks in, your less likely to come back as that animal.

Never donate to charity. Giving is a form of praise, God frowns down upon it when you give Praise to charity that are often associated with a religion; other than christianity.
One wrong donation to a Mormon affiliated chariety and BAM! Eternal damnation.

If anything, comic books and superhero cartoons teaches us that whenever you defeat an enemy, there will always be a stronger one to take it's place. So stop trying in life. Be contempt with what you have.
Things are only going to get harder.

The world would be such a great place only if they let me choose the layers on my 7 layer nachos.

200 years of Slavery for a decade worth of shitty Dance movies and Shitty rap music (Soulja boy, Nick Cannon, Chris Brown)? Yeah. I think were about even.

Steps to saving an animal from becomming endangered / extinct
1. Find a way to make it tasty
2. Find a way to market its tasty-ness
3. Mass breed for consumption
4. Profeit

Things on my bucketlist: know which animal has the best smell receptors in the world and fart in front of it.

At first glance, the Mushroom never knew why he never got invited to parties because he was a fun guy.

Dont go on a diet. Just get married instead.

The original intention of the Lottery was not to give out large sums of money but to give out a LOT of OTTERS.

A penis is an internal cum-bustion engine.

Try to make friends that share the same birthday as you. This way, you can meet once a year and tour around together for free shit at bars and restraunts just on that one day.
Kinda like the Justice league but with free shit instead of crime.

The only downside to being a professional competitive eater is when ever your girl friend / wife cooks shitty food,
you cant bluff your way out of it by saying "God, iam so stufted" after one plate.

If your going to get a dog, adopt one thats about to be euthanized that day from the pound.
That way you wont feel so bad when it dies.

Girls are like rollercoasters.
Long line to ride the front.
and riding the back will give you whiplash.

Assurance is insurance for your butt.

Turtles never get invited to parties because they are hardass'
Dogs dont like typing because they dont want to get ARF-rhitis.

Marriage is when the guy gives up.
Divorce is when the girl gives up.

By definition, real men only know how to cook with 3 spices. Salt, Pepper, and Bacon.

Here's a sure test to prove if you' re old or not.
Whenever you fart, you hesitate because your not sure if your going to pinch a loaf or not.

What would life be like if instead of boobs, we just had two nipples on our ass cheeks.

Butt Plugs or Hair Plugs. You decide which plug is more beneficial to mankind.

The ultimate pinnicle in the evolution of man is creating robots that will shave your pubes without damaging the goods.

Technically bowling is the manliest sport in the world. A baby cannot lift a 15lb ball. Let alone roll it down a lane and knock 10 pins down.

I like to believe Hugs are the cure to cancer. Thats why I stopped giving them out.

In life, theres really only one thing you can count on. Numbers.

pirates fear 2 things. A booty embargo.

Battered women is no laughing matter.
You may thing its all fun and games but when its timed to eat, battered women are not as crunchy as one might expect.

There are more important things in life then money.
Things like a baby coated in solid 28krt gold.

Manicurists gives good Hand jobs.
A linguist gives good oral.

Learning multiple foreign languages to access more channels on your television is cheaper then ordering cable.

Touching the penis on the Michaelangelo's "The David" is now a prosecutable offense.
The charge will be filed under "Statutory rape".

If you really think about it, Children are like small adults.
Small adults with under developed brains.
If you really think about it, Children are just retarded adults.
retarded adults who are amused by the wiggles.

God is a Blacksmith because he made black people.

A bicycle built for use by both sexes is "Bi-sexual".

You can never judge a racist by how many people he hates but rather by how many people hes beat in a race.

Growing up is all about discovering your greatest abilities that you didn't know you possesed.
Abilities such as being able to palm the entire face of a baby like a basketball.

Guys are like a burritos and girls are like soft tacos.
They are both generally the same thing except the guys are filled with beans.

The same simile can be applied to Cupcakes and Muffins
and to some extent, potatos and sweet potatos.

Small, subtle things like the fact that people generally do not like being pelted in the face with tiny rocks.

If I were a robot I would definitely piss gasoline. I would light my pee and put people on fire.

Heaven is an all you can eat Japanese buffet. Hell is an all you can eat Mexican buffet.

I tell people I know how to time travel. But I can only travel forwards in time. I also have to be sleeping while I do it.

I lie because Iam sick of being right all the time.

There is one cardinal rule in life that is virtually known through out the history of man:
Never pass up free food unless its poisoned. Of course, the only one exception to this rule is: You cant deny a free poisoned food when a hot chick gives it to you. Why? because when your dead and up there in heaven and ask the guy in front of you "so, How did you die?" and he says "I fell down a flight of stairs and snapped my neck in half" you can look him strait in the face and proudly say "What a fucking pussy way to die. I got poisoned to death by the hottest fucking chick you ever saw" and at this point Jesus will probably come up to you and say "Fuck you, you dont know shit about hot chicks. I can make the hottest fucking chick you ever saw" and you'd feel all sad because hes right.

The next time you see a bum on the street holding a funny sign, lean in and give him some money. He probably didnt get that way doing drugs. He probably failed as a comedian.

If a girl kicks you in the nuts punch them in the boobs. It should hurt her as much as it hurts you. If not, at least you got to cop a feel.

why I quit playing "The Sims": The sims start getting weird once you ponder how good your life can be if your life was fast forwarded and you got a job.

Men will never know the joys of childbirth but women will never know the joys of breaking a urinal cake with your pee.

When you live life without Sex, Drugs, and Booze; you dont actually live longer. It just seems longer.

I applied for a job at Target. They asked me what my strengths were. I told them that I was a motivational leader. Then they asked me about my weakness. I told them "Kryptonite". Nevertheless, I didnt get hired.

Iam a self proclaimed Vegetarian that eats meat. Why you ask? Because Iam an economist first and a vegetarian second. I need to eat meat to support and stimulate the economy. If I dont do that, then Iam no better then a pot smoking hippie who supports terrorism.

My friends often ask why Iam such an asshole to them. I tell them I believe in balancing the universe. Somewhere out there, theres someone nice right now commiting a good deed. In order to balance out the universe; I have to go and sucker punch you in the face. If you dont like it, tell the nice guy to stop commiting nice deeds.

This is possibly one of the worst things to ever happen when u got siblings. Now, say its a hot day so you decide to take a refreshing Shower and after you take a shower you use the towel to Dry off your body. Now picture yourself using the towel to dry your hair and then your face. When suddenly you see a fat ass skidmark on the towel. Yeah.

What is Love? Love is when someone cleans the toilet bowl for like an hour and then letting you have first shot at it.

I went to Norms and got a alligator beanie doll thing out of those claw machines. It looks like its mad and the bottom jaw is kind of off so it looks like it has an under bite. I guess I'd be pretty mad too If I had an under bite.

I care deeply about breast Cancer. Not only because caring gets me some brownie points with hot chicks that have huge boobs but because I have man boobies and iam a canidate for it.

I finally broke my mom's spirit / moral today. Today my mom looked into my room and said "why dont you ever make your bed?".
In which I applied "why, whats the point? Iam just gonna sleep in it again". Right when I said, my mom gave me the stink eye and said "Wow... I really have nothing to say to that"
and she kinda just ran away from me. It was cool. Of course shortly after, I got owned by my dad when he said "Why are you eating? your just gonna get hungry again".

Thanks hot chicks for making the world a more beautiful place to live in! If it wernt for hot chicks, where would our self esteem be?
Dangerously high, thats for sure. Beautiful girls keep normal ones in check from becomming too self absorbed.

Jasons opinion on Mcdonalds: I dont really have anything against them. Anyone who can deliver me 2 delicious apples pies for a buck deserves my sympathy. In fact, I really dont know how they do it. Iam assuming the apple pies are made in china just like everything else. Thats why its so cheap.

Girls are like Internet domain names. All the ones I like are taken.

Everytime I pet a cat and it raises it's tail to show all the crusty poop flakes surrounding it's hole, I want to take a pencil and poke it.

If i had a time machine I would go back in time and get me a big mac for 15 cents. It would be acceptable because IT wouldnt affect the course of history unless it was a tainted big mac that was suppose to wipe out a generation of people.

Has anyone wondered why almost everyone in marvel comics got some type of super power from radiation? Spiderman from a radioactive spider, Dare devil from a radioactive toxic spill, Hulk from a radioactive blast, Fantastic four from radioactive shower when entering earth, and so on.. I got super powers from my microwave once. The doctors called it radiation poisoning. It was not a cool super power at all.

They should make a sport called Water Polio for the special olympics.

I went snowboarding today. God I've never seen so many black people ski in my whole life! I saw like 6 of them!

There are only 2 things I care about. Boobs!

Since god technically knows every language in the world, I suggest you make up your own. God will have to learn 3 million languages + just like c3po.

A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey.

Fat girls provide u with shade in the summer and heat in the winter. what more can you ask for?

Everything there is to know about gay people I learned by watching Will and Grace.

TOday Kevin asked me what I got for christmas in which I replyed "i got family, love, and good will towards men. but what i wanted was a ps2". Lifes a bitch.

Blah! At least in the East they get snow when its cold out side. We only get really really cold rain here(California).

Merry Fucking christmas everyone. I dont goto church nor get presents on christmas. NO, Iam not a Jew.

So many god damn idiots in this world and to think they were the ones that reached the egg first out of 6 million....

Hapy Thanks giving people. As usual, My parents ditch me again and went off somewhere on a trip. I have to either goto Dennys or Hometown buffet to eat now. (*shudders*)

People say the best things in life are free. Well, so is cancer.

I now see why I must have kids. My hatred for all things carrot top must Live on.

Why do I smell like soy sauce or meat all the time?

Getting 3 head shots in a row in COunter Strike is skill but to have it rain when u need a car wash? Now thats fucken luck!

"Jason Han" Its an aquired taste.

I dont suck at drawing. Your just that f**king ugly.

What you call porno, I call "Life Drawing Research"

Entering the Special Olympics is easy as 1,2,4!

I wish Life was like a RPG. When ever I run out of money or hurt I can walk outside kill a few cats and then they would drop Cash or potions. Not house cats. Just wild cats that live in the forest.

What a stupid idea! They are going to rebuild the missing wall in the Pentagon? If I was Bush I would have left it and just called it the "Quadragon"

An eye for an eye I say! We should take or high-jack a 747 and crash it into their Aftghan trade Cave!

Warcraft. Not just an Obsession but a Career.

Have u ever wondered why god made jesus? Its because he wanted someone as his back up when ever he fights satan. Maybe he'll bring more homies to a 1v1 fight. Maybe god is Asian.

Hip hop the only music industry crappy enough to sign record contracts to little talentless kids who have at most two pubes on their balls (Yes Iam talking about Little bow-wow. Oh my bad, he wants us to drop "Little" from his name).

Ugh, I think iam loosing to god. I am starting to say "bless you" Every time someone sneezes.

God says that the weak will inherit the earth. Thats why I stopped exercising and started going on my pc more.

If you replace the R in American with an X, U get Amexican. A mexican! I think this is a conspiricy that one day mexicans will take over the U.S. and they have already begun at our local Jack in the Boxes.

I found a new way of calculating how fast you drive on the road besides the standard M.P.H (Miles per hour). U can tell by S.P.H. the number of Starbucks Per hour. Those things are fucking everywhere! One day they are goign to run out of room and will start putting Starbucks inside a starbucks.